silent killer

dad cries when he thinks we aren't looking
after you've taken your pills and gone to sleep
when i've holed away in my bedroom again
and he says "why her?" so many times that i feel it is all he knows how to say these days
you aren't the you we knew and now we have to make sure you have all your medicine
all your drugs, all your drugs, all your drugs
"take these, they'll help" but you still can't remember what happened yesterday or form coherent thoughts and you still spill your guts in the mornings before my brother goes to school
your fifty-sixth birthday and we can't leave you home alone for fear it will be the end of you
i have to make sure you wake up on time and dad has to remind you that he still loves you even though you aren't the you we knew--
everything is injections and scans and charts and pillspillspills and drugs and chemicals and they're killing you to keep you here
i don't feel like painting and going out with friends makes me feel guilty for leaving you so i staystaystay on the couch and i swear i've watched secret window a thousand times this week
you can only eat rice pudding and seafood and you're sicksicksick and we all can only watch

illogical, irrational, unreasonable but it's happened to that friend of yours and dad's and he would have died if his neighbor hadn't been home
our neighbor is never there, not during the day or even most nights
i'm helpless and dad's helpless and nothing is right anymore,
it hasn't been right for months and your life won't ever be the way it was meant to be again and i think that makes me the saddest
you're too tired to even water the garden


i dread the day the pills stop working